Fighting to Forge Friendships: An Unexpected route
I wonder if fighting could be a path to friendship. What If we give license to have arguments, and have a heart-to-heart chat at the beginning itself? Maybe this is a faster approach than small talk
It's fascinating how sometimes a heated argument can bring people closer together. And when it's done early on in a relationship, it can strengthen the bond even more.
Counterintuitive? Hear me out.
This is the story of my cousin. She recounted how she met her best friend in college. Their friendship started with a fight. “On my first day at college, my roommate invited everyone over to our small dorm room. I tried to study instead. But I couldn't focus and ended up missing out on the fun. This pattern repeated itself every day.
Within a month, my patience ran amuck, and I started yelling at uninvited guests in my room. Most left, but one girl decided to stay and fight. Since I was lonely in a new place, I allowed her to go on. She did not run away or avoid me; instead, she took her time to fight with me, commenting on my dress, my accessories, and even my class notes. And that’s it. I have liked her since the day I started enjoying my fights with her.”
That made me think. Is the license to fight an important first step in deepening relationships?
We all experience relationships that are not our personal choice. These could be the result of a boss hiring a new team member, a warden assigning a roommate, a neighborhood getting a new resident, or a marriage bringing in in-laws. While some of these relationships may be enjoyable, others can be less so. I personally struggle with shallow relationships that are built out of obligation. These mandatory social encounters frequently involve forced grins, awkward pauses, disconnected discussions, and a feeling of unease.
How does one elevate the status of such relationships from shallow to meaningful?
When I think back on my childhood, some of my closest friends were people I didn't like at first. As I got to know them better, I realized that we shared common interests and the same energy levels. As a teenager, I would choose to be friends with those whose struggles and victories were the same as mine.
Fighting can be a fast-track activity between two people to know each other. Through a quick fight, we can discover if our energies match, if our interests are of equal quirkiness, and if our value systems match. Fighting has a way of raising our emotions so that our true character comes out.
In the book "12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos," Jordan B. Peterson discusses how children establish their place in society. They test their boundaries by fighting with others. According to the author, they figure out where the boundaries lie by slapping and pushing others, even their own mother. Once they find their limits, they form strong relationships and bonds for life.
As adults, it is not conventional to fight at first sight, isn’t it? But we can initiate a decent one-on-one talk and demonstrate our value system. If we matched, we could be much better friends and enjoy each other's company. If not, at least we tried.
I am not saying this is the only way to form deep relationships. But, in our urban setting, with our comfortable lifestyles and first-world problems, this might be a good way to find our own vibe and tribe.
If we give ourselves and others a license to fight and speak our hearts out, we may find our match sooner. And isn't that what life's all about—making meaningful connections with others?
So, let’s start a fight or what? 1
I am not in favor of fighting for every little thing, or even with everyone, or all the time. Through this article, I attempted to show how "fighting,” or just speaking from the heart, confronting, and saying out loud the uncomfortable things that bother us, is important. It leads to the demonstration of value systems, and the discovery of a common interest or energy level. Someone who enjoys our “spiky” point of view will extend a hand of friendship rather than continue the evil animosity.
I enjoyed your argument here Charu! When I think about successful relationships, a lot of times they are good because people are willing to work through differences instead of sweeping them under the rug. I think that’s a version of “fighting” that’s really a willingness to have a tough conversation because you love a person and trust them to give you space. I know the version I’m painting sounds rosier, but it’s something I struggle with! I like to avoid confrontation, but those who I can “fight” with (like my sister) are the people I can work through issues with and form deeper relationships. Great essay and perspective!