Like most middle-aged people, my high-paced life bumped with middle-aged crises pretty hard. I analyzed my situation - a healthy family, a happy son, and a decent job. I should be very happy. Instead, I was anxious and dissatisfied. What was missing? I decided to find my happy-ever-after.
The hobbies were renewed and romance rekindled, long trips were planned, and shorter ones were taken. Yet, lasting happiness was elusive. Where do I find it?
I read, watched videos, and thought deeply about movies that show happy-ever-after scenarios. Then I spent a few months digging into the works of Yuval Noha Harari, Viktr Frankl, and T. Rangrajan. They all gave many inputs for human happiness. But the one that made the maximum difference in happiness seems to be close relationships. Either with family or friends. All great thinkers pointed to having a tribe for long stable happiness.
In my quest for happiness, I came across the book “Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging”. Author Sebastian Junger tells the story of war veterans as well as civilians of attacked countries. He noted that psychological stability and inner happiness were higher during the tough times when groups faced war. Once the war was over, the happy feeling went away. Those who contributed during wartime to the service of the poor and hurt, felt useless once the peacetime government took over. Evolutionary biology says that being helpful to others gives us the feeling that they will help us when we will need them. That’s why we crave close relationships in which we help the other person and we hope to get their help when we need it. That is the link between feeling useful and feeling happy.
Image credit: clipartmax.com
I analyzed my own feelings over the last 3 decades - when did I feel happy and stable for long periods of time? An incident from my childhood made me relate to this “tribe” theory.
Water shortage and the tribe of water-fetching kids
I lived in Central India as a child. This area is afflicted with water shortages. Tap water comes only for a few hours per day, and that too stops for 2-3 days a month. Thankfully my building was near a temple that had a water hand pump. In the event of water shortage, the grownups and children alike would pick up buckets and fetch water. My current gym instructor would salute me if he saw me carrying 2 buckets of 20 kg each for 100 meters and 3 staircases.
It was a temporary problem though, water usually came back in 2-3 days, and life returned to normal. However, the togetherness in bringing back water to homes, encouraged us kids to behave like a tribe. We would help each other, organize the lines to take water, and donate water if someone could not go to the handpump themselves. For us children, it was the most joyous time. Once, when an officer announced that water won’t come for the next 2 days, kids erupted in celebration. We were most happy when we were together in service to our parents. We didn’t want to play. Rather we wanted to fetch water, and contribute to our small society.
What made this water crisis a binding force for kids? Perhaps, it gave us a sense of immense purpose and contribution to our society. It gave me feelings of mutual support and belongingness.
Today I am living in a comfortable home with all amenities. I do not want that water crisis ever again in my life. But I am craving the same emotions of having a group, a tribe, and a purpose for that tribe.
What can I do now?
How do I make close relationships as a grownup? I made a list of things to do in the next 3 decades to attempt to find my tribe and stick with it.
Don’t pretend to be someone else
The moment I realized I am not the showy rich girl in school, I lost interest in being friends with popular girls. And I didn’t mind it. I felt seen among my own nerdy-clumsy friends. In the future, wherever I will feel forced to smile - that would be my clue to dial down the pretense. I would be myself and look out for those who would like me for me. They are going to be my true tribe!
Find people with the same passions.
In quest of finding the people I like, I undertake new courses, and activities every year. Over the years I have taken Budhdha-practise, volunteer work for charity, painting classes, women-only yoga classes by octogenarian women, cycling groups, Zumba, and a recent writing course. I could discover new friends with similar passions and foster new friendships as a grownup.
Find a team that aligns with your values.
I was miserable working with a team that was unorganised and not ready to change. So, I left it and joined another team. Luckily I got a much more organised team this time. That’s what I am going to do in future too - move on from a tribe that doesn’t seem to follow my value systems.
Volunteer to help before getting it
I learned the hard way that we have to give a lot of help, love, support, and forgiveness before we can ask for any of these in return. Having been bullied in high school, I became over-protective of myself in college. I will be very careful in talking and giving any notes or money to my roommates. I would keep a mental account of who is helping me so that I would help them only. I was 18 year old and did not know any better. Thankfully I had a role model to learn from - I saw this girl who would not hesitate to ask strangers if they needed help. She never kept an account of who helped her or who did not. She had true friends, and I want that.
Ask for help to find who truly cares
It is very hard for me to ask for opinions and suggestions. But a new friends is a pro at this. She would block dedicated time on the calendar to discuss all the important stuff in her life, even moderately important ones. She had earned my trust by being vulnerable herself. I felt “useful” in providing help to her. I felt that she would be there too when I need help. So, if I ask for help from weak contacts and get it, I might get a new close friend whom I can help in turn. What else is the tribe if not this?
Going through a mid-life crisis made me realize the importance of tribe and close relationships. The happiness, from the academic success in 20’s and the professional growth in 30’s, was ephemeral. Perhaps the joy from forming my tribe in 40’s will give me my happy-ever-after.
Wow, beautifully woven summary of the book with your own story. What a fun and interesting peek into your childhood! I will need to add Tribe to my reading list this year.